Some Lame Christian Jokes

I have received this Christian's joke through email. I beg you will enjoy it. The author of the article unknown.

Q. What type of a man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruth less


Q. What do you call Pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds

Q. Who is the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah - He was floating his stock while everyone is in liquidation.


Q. Who was greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of Nile and draw out a little prophet.


Q. What type of vehilce is in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of Garden in a Fury
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land,
Also, probably a Honda, beacuse tha apostle is in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?

A. You mother ate us out of house and home


Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 Commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine is especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks was always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character has no parent?
A. Joshua son of Nun.

Q. Why did they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck.

Q. Do you know it's a sin for women to make coffee?
A. Yup, it's in the Bible. It says.......'He-brews'
KEEP SMILING!!! GOD LOVES YOU BUNCHES AND BUNCHES!!!!!

George Carlin's Views on Aging

I have received this article from a friend, the author of this article is unknown....

It is a good article to read and ponder upon....



George Carlin on aging!
(Absolutely Brilliant)

IF YOU DON'T READ THIS TO THE VERY END, YOU HAVE LOST A DAY IN YOUR LIFE. AND WHEN YOU HAVE FINISHED, DO AS I AM DOING AND FORWARD THE LINK TO YOUR FRIEND.

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key


You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life !
You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had
to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60.
You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.'

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!'
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.

This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay 'them.'

2. Keep only cheerful friends.

The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4.Enjoy the simple things.


5. Laugh often,long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen.

Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love,
whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies,whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health:

If it is good, preserve
it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.

Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them , at
every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER :
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but
by the moments that take our breath away.


Do share this with someone. We all need to live life to its fullest each day!!

Chinese + English = Chinglish

You might like it. This is hilarious......

I beg even an Englishmen could not construct sentence using numeric. This special skill is exclusively in-born in Malaysians and Singaporeans only.

Ah Lek was asked to make a sentence using 1,2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. this is what he come up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me so, I panic and 4 down. the man rush out and wanted to 5 with me....I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don't know what he 1.

Your right foot

How smart is your right foot?

Just try this. This is from orthopedic surgeon...........

This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you could outsmart your foot, but you cannot . It's programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
2. Now while doing this, draw number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will automatically change direction.

I told you so!!! There is nothing you can do about it. You and I know how stupid it is, but before the day is done, you will try it again and again.......If you have not done it already.

Balance Sheet of Life

I have received this article through an email from a friend. The author of this article is unknown. Let take a break and open eye to see life in different perspective.

Our Birth is our Opening Balance!
Our Death is our Closing Balance!
Our Prejudiced Views are our Liabilities
Our Creative Ideas are our Assets

Heart is our Current Asset
Soul is our Fixed Asset
Brain is our Fixed Deposit
Thinking is our Current Account

Achievements are our Capital
Character & Morals, our Stock-in-Trade
Friends are our General Reserves
Values & Behaviour are our Goodwill

Patience is our Interest Earned
Love is our Dividend
Children are our Bonus Issues
Education is Brands / Patents

Knowledge is our Investment
Experience is our Premium Account
The Aim is to Tally the Balance Sheet Accurately.
The Goal is to get the Best Presented Accounts Award.

Some very Good and Very bad things ....
The most destructive habit........ ......... ........Worry
The greatest Joy...............Giving
The greatest loss.......Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work........ .......Helping others
The ugliest personality trait....... .......Selfishness
The most endangered species..... ....Dedicated leaders
Our greatest natural resource.... ......... ....Our youth

The greatest 'shot in the arm'........ ....Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.... ......... .....Fear
The most effective sleeping pill....... Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease..... .........Excuses

The most powerful force in life........ .......... ..Love
The most dangerous act...... ..A gossip
The world's most incredible computer.... ....The brain
The worst thing to be without..... Hope

The deadliest weapon...... ......... The tongue
The two most power-filled words....... .......... 'I Can'
The greatest asset....... .......... .......... ......Faith
The most worthless emotion.... ......... ....Self- pity

The most beautiful attire....... ..........SMILE!
The most prized possession.. .......... ......Integrity
The most powerful channel of communication. .....Prayer
The most contagious spirit...... ......... ......Enthusiasm

Life ends; when you stop Dreaming,
Hope ends; when you stop Believing,
Love ends; when you stop Caring,
And Friendship ends; when you stop Sharing...!!!

Word of wisdom - Friend are like balloon

Subject: Friend are like balloon

I have received this article through an email from a friend. The author of this article is unknown. Let take a break and enjoy what message can we learn from the balloon.

Life
is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who
treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't. Believe
everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance,
grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.



Friends
are like balloons; once you let them go, you can't get them back. So I'm gonna tie you to my heart so I never lose you.